how marriage healing works

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE CENTER

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William Rush, Ph.D., LP

Christian Marriage Center

651-439-2059 Stillwater

952-546-4044 Minnetonka

How marriage healing works?

You came here to get help.

You want things to change

We can help you change

Here’s how

Change is a complex process.

We have deep grooves for the way we respond to situations.

Much of the way we act is driven by sub-conscious protective thought patterns. (Sounds fancy but just means we have ways of thinking that are designed to protect us and cope with difficult situations.)

Our brain is constantly monitoring the environment to protect us both physically and emotionally. It does so automatically.

It uses assumptions, a form of data.

Some of the data is wrong.

We ALL have blind spots.

Counseling is designed to get you to see a situation and think: “I never thought of it exactly that way before.” That is called insight.

Insight is the beginning of change.

Change has many roadblocks:

· Lack of forgiveness

· Resentment

· The need to punish

· Fear

· Ulterior motives

· Stubbornness

· Judgments/Prejudice

· The profound belief it is mostly my spouses fault

Often the roadblocks are unconscious.

Change in marriage comes by both spouses learning about themselves.

You must start asking why YOU do what you do. What are my blind spots? If we are open to learning about and accepting our role in the troubles of the marriage, we start to change, and then the marriage starts to change. Complex change is sequential. Learning one thing allows us to learn the next.

Counseling involves pain.

We humans hate pain and do everything possible to avoid it. Imagine an Olympic pool. You are standing at one end with your spouse. At the other end is a healed marriage. (not perfect just healed enough to work). The counselor’s job is to help you through the pool and to the other end. The water is acceptable in parts but very cold in other parts. It takes an average of six months or more for most people to get through the pool, and sometimes you may want to quit. The water is just too cold. The side of the pool looks so much closer than the end. You’re not sure you can make it or you don’t believe you spouse is willing to make it.

The counselor’s job is to train, pace, and provide rest and nourishment along the way. His/her job is to encourage and challenge you. It is a form of coaching and it requires trust in the coach. Trust takes time to develop.

As Christians, we have a helper and guide to get us through the pool. Getting through the pool requires we do three things:

· Believe there is a God who wants to help us

· Believe and follow His Word on marriage

Pray for the strength to do what we don’t have the strength to do on our own.

So what actually happens in marriage counseling at CMC?

These are the primary phases of counseling in my practice. As you can imagine, these time frames vary considerably.

Name

Duration

Focus

Evaluation

2-3 weeks

Initial session with the couple, followed by one individual session each and then a joint session for feedback and treatment plan. Agree on several core principals including the introduction to better understanding your part.

Stabilization/self analysis

1-2 months

Negotiate a truce if needed. Establish new rules for fighting fair. Re-establish some good will. Find compromise on some issues. Focus on learning about what makes you tick. Discovering your blind spots. Learn how to repair conflict damage. Read book Sacred Marriage to aid in seeing marriage from a new perspective.

Growth

3+ months

Tackle harder issues. Learn how to use new tools and awareness under stress.

Consolidation

2 months

Maintenance tools, preventing negative drift and formal recommitment.

Continuing Care

As needed

Kick start if stuck. Individual work on healing core hurts, dealing with an overwhelming life stressor.

When you are ready to start wading into the pool, call me and let’s get started. Very few can do this without reservations but waiting rarely makes things better. Start the change process today.

Sincerely